And in backwards order. An unofficial review of laxatives, because they are NEVER gentle (don't you believe the box!!).
I have been in agony for two days now, worse than the last batch of laxatives I had. Those were just regular laxatives, worked in 12-18 hours, caused much discomfort for about two or so hours while they worked their magic, and were rather effective, albeit temporarily disabling. Those were bad enough. Well, being pressed for cash and a female, I noticed the cheapest laxatives were made for women, and a whole three dollars cheaper. That should have tipped me off. But I figured, ah, what's a few hours agony for a flatter abdomen and a pound or two off? (Yes, I know it is water weight and temporary, la-dee-da, but it's the psychological purge that tempts me. Knowing the meal I had on Monday is still sitting in my bowels Wednesday disgusts me.)
Aaaah, yeah. Not only did they NOT work in the 6-12 hours promised (took nearly 24, actually), but I experienced HOURS of stomach cramps before any actual BM, and still am, two days later. Ouch.
Moral of the review? Laxatives hurt, and never buy the cheap ones. Ever. Luckily, I didn't have anywhere to be, or I'd be so screwed.
As for ranting and raving, I'll skip the whining over all the little things my roommates do to piss me off and instead focus on this one thing for one of my roommates... She's a boney, tiny thing, though a bit large of thigh (larger than mine, though she's taller and has no torso of which to speak so it evens out), and when I met her, I looked at her and said, "Normal." She ate regularly, mostly non-nutritionally, and enjoyed it. I just want to put out here now that I did not obsess over food, diet, nutrition, EDs, thinness, or anything else around her or anyone else in the area. I actuallly slipped out of my ED for a few months there, aside from extreme guilt and self-loathing. And then she suddenly just... stopped eating. And I know exactly what she does and doesn't eat-- we share groceries. I hate hugging her now because it feels like I'm embracing the skeleton from science class. What pisses me off the most is that she won't admit it, insists she's eating (HA!), and gets miffed when you bring it up. I want to look at her and shout, "YOU CAN'T HIDE THIS FROM ME! I'VE SAID THE SAME WORDS, TOLD THE SAME LIES, DONE THE SAME SHIT YOU ARE NOW!!!" I want to shake her and say, "I've been doing it longer than you have." I guess this is where the competitive nature comes in to play. I've never been around anyone else who does this willingly.
I guess the good thing (or bad, depending on your point of view) is it prompts me to show her up, get thinner than her. I keep thinking of this one day in Bellingham, when I went to donate plasma, walking to the bus stop in the early morning with the sun on my face. My fingernails were blue, and I was shivering, and I was blasting "Me & Mia" in my headphones, and I just remember feeling wonderful. Absolutely wonderful... I want that day back. That's what keeps me going down this path again.
Cut! End it there.
Love,
Mae
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